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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29836056">When Panic Settles</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpeedingCheetah/pseuds/SpeedingCheetah'>SpeedingCheetah</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>blnt fics ive wrote to rip my heart out subconsciously [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>better luck next time - Fandom, 僕のヒーローアカデミア | Boku no Hero Academia | My Hero Academia</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Mental Health Issues, Mentions of Blood, Midoriya Izuku Needs A Break, Midoriya Izuku Needs Therapy, Monoma Neito Needs a Hug, Spin-off fic, Suicidal Thoughts, can someone please give izuku his well-needed rest, im gonna end up making him suffer-, istg I can’t keep trying to write fluffy/comfort shit, neito is trying his best but it doesn’t always work, someone come save Izuku pls, triggers are in the notes</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 21:42:43</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>7,216</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29836056</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpeedingCheetah/pseuds/SpeedingCheetah</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Izuku Midoriya hides what little panic appears in his gaze. He hides the feeling that climbs up his spine and hits him in the chest, ignores the whispers that call out to him in harsh hisses and sharp snaps of self-hate.</p><p>He ignores the urge to cry, no matter how much it would give him a break. He had other methods of coping, nearly everyone had alternatives, but his weren’t working; And there was only one person who knew about his quirk’s activation requirements.. </p><p>And how deep Izuku had gotten himself into the desires that followed.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Aizawa Shouta | Eraserhead &amp; Midoriya Izuku is mentioned, Midoriya Izuku &amp; Monoma Neito</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>blnt fics ive wrote to rip my heart out subconsciously [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2195742</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>250</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Read it and Weep, better luck next time and related works</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>When Panic Settles</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/nauticalwarrior/gifts">nauticalwarrior</a>.</li>


        <li>
            Inspired by

            <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28394571">better luck next time</a> by <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/nauticalwarrior/pseuds/nauticalwarrior">nauticalwarrior</a>.
        </li>

    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Trigger Warning:   <em>Mentions of Violence (Blood), Implied Neglect, Implied Verbal Abuse, Suicidal Thoughts, Mentions of Self-Harm, Thoughts Of Death, Denial(?), Mentions of Sickness, Mentions of Nausea, Exhaustion, Self-Destruction..</em> I believe that’s all; Read with caution.</p><p>— — —</p><p>*pink panther muisc*</p><p>guess who’s back with another <em>better luck next time</em> side pov- yeah, that’s right, me.   I really said make Izuku have a severe meltdown and go scampering to Neito because,,, yeah that's why</p><p>Read the tags / warnings! Have a good read! :D</p><p>Next prompt relating to blnt should be dadzawa, because apparently you guys seem to like that. (I do too, lol. I don’t know how to write Aizawa well but like watch me try. Thank you for reading, and if there are any trigger you think should be added, let me know!) ✨✨</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It wasn’t his fault for feeling the way he did, and it wasn’t his fault for scrambling the hell out of his dormitory in the dead of night to sneak over into One-B’s housing-unit, slipping inside without getting caught.</p><p>He picked locks <em>before.</em></p><p>He avoided getting caught by police <em>before.</em></p><p>He wasn’t going to let his anxieties get the better of him, not when it had happened so many times <em>before. </em></p><p>So he slipped inside, quiet and without any wavering. He was in pain, sick and felt so damn weak. He was tempted to just grab a knife from the kitchen of Neito’s housing-unit, to drive it through his chest and bleed out right on the kitchen tiles because he was just <em>that desperate</em> right now. </p><p>Izuku was on the verge of hyperventilating, struggling to get his mind out of the clouds as he thrusted himself up the stairs. He hoped his panic wasn’t loud, he hoped he didn’t wake anyone up. </p><p>He just felt so alone and cold, and cutting his arms wasn’t helping anymore- He tried to press the razor into his bicep just to draw a bit of red out from his body, to slit the skin enough so some of the pain he felt would go away. It didn’t, it didn’t and nothing helped and he didn’t know what to do about that.</p><p>Neito would be disappointed.</p><p>Neito would be concerned if he died; If he reset.</p><p>So he didn’t, he pulled through and tried to breathe deeply. He tried to speed-walk down the hall, feet cold and body shuddering as it urged him to go back downstairs and take a knife and slit his own throat to get rid of the feeling that was clinging to his body without any fucking mercy. </p><p>But Izuku couldn’t, he couldn’t do that. </p><p>He couldn’t <em>risk</em> doing that, not so soon after the last time he used his quirk to try and escape the cruel and unfair reality that swirled in his mind and made him want to sob like he had just lost everyone he loved in one singular hour. </p><p>A single hour that caused pain without any ends in sight; A singular fucking hour that screamed and screamed until Izuku was covering his ears and begging for the world to slow down and <em>stop.</em></p><p>The pain in his arm wasn’t enough to get it to go away, and he wished it was.  It wasn’t giving him relief, and nothing else was helping. Everything felt so out of reach the teenager didn’t know what he was doing anymore, he didn’t know what he was trying to find safety in if safety had never existed for him. </p><p>It had never been available to the quirkless kids. </p><p>It had never been gifted to people like him; Useless and without any purpose in society. </p><p>So he kept running from responsibility. He kept running and trying to find a way to avoid confrontation. He tried to be a hero with his messed up and undocumented quirk, relying on a singular person to help him cope and hear his cries over what were to happen if he <em>actually died and didn’t wake up after. </em></p><p>Izuku felt bad, like really bad. He felt so warped, twisted and fully incapable of controlling the urge in his body that told him he was dying without getting the injuries that would always lead to him trying to find a way to reset- Drowning on his own blood in his private bath. </p><p>The pain trickled into his life, controlled him in ways he fucking wished it didn’t. He relied on it to give him a sense of consolation. He relied on pain to take away the mental agony he felt.</p><p>
  <em>How ironic.</em>
</p><p>Everything he was doing was because he felt the need to tell someone- Someone who’d understand and let him get away with it because they indulged him with kindness and the offer of confinement; So that he had a place to go and to share what was on his mind.</p><p>So that he had a place to cry and offer his snippets of anger and clear resentment to the agony that would beat rhythmically in his chest, laced with the blood in his veins as it flowed through his artistries under his skin. </p><p>Neito would be so sad if he found out Izuku cut in the dead of night because he got spooked by the idea of dying and <em>not being able to come back.</em> The idea was enough to make the teenager find something to try and latch onto. And, by all means, Neito was truly one his only options to go to.</p><p>Probably his only option in the entirety of life; Because he hadn’t told anyone else of his quirk’s nature, hadn’t said a damn thing to his mother and had downright <em>refused</em> to explain anything to Aizawa. </p><p>He had refused help despite knowing it could’ve helped him- Hell, it probably would have helped him right now! It would have helped him if he could have just rapidly gotten out of his room and knocked on Aizawa’s door, slipped inside and just info-dumped onto the hero because at least then someone would <em>stop him from resetting. </em></p><p>That’s what he needed someone to do. </p><p>Izuku Midoriya was desperate to die;  But desperate to try and make those he cared for not be sad. He didn’t want to be pitied-  He didn’t <em>want</em> Neito to realize that he had killed himself <em>again</em> despite the blonde having just discussed to the him that he would always have his door open so Izuku could come and hide away from reality for as long as he needed. </p><p>He didn’t want to make others cry-   </p><p>He didn’t want to make himself cry once he awoke from the burning slumber that marked his quirk’s activation, and clear success. He didn’t want to make those who were aware of his quirk suffer too much until they were trying to leave the world, just like him. </p><p>Except they <em>couldn’t <strong>ever</strong></em> fucking come back if they died.</p><p>Izuku could, oh boy could he come right back and appear and lie through his teeth. He could say nothing was wrong, just as he could also be an honest little shit and say that everything was wrong. </p><p>
  <strong>Absolutely everything. </strong>
</p><p>There was nothing stopping him from jumping off one of the student’s balconies; He just knew it’d be bad and traumatizing to whoever saw him five head-first and crack his skull on the ground like he was some type of egg. Cracked open, broken apart and being left to stay without any shell- Without any protection.</p><p>He wasn’t like that- He wasn’t willing to risk getting seen by a stranger.   If he wanted to die, Neito would have to be the one to watch and see. As sad and guilty as it made Izuku feel, the blonde was the only one else who knew how to handle what his quirk did. He copied it and used it, for fuck’s sake. </p><p>The teenager stumbled, eyes flickering in every direction down the hall as he searched for his friend’s room. As soon as he spotted the familiar kanji, he felt a sudden reliance and yet empty sadness filled him- And he nearly bolted headfirst into a wall due to how dizzy and fast the world was spinning around him.</p><p>So he stumbled, struggling to reach out and knock rapidly on his friend's bedroom door. He was starting to wish he just panicked and called Neito on his phone, really. It would’ve saved the time, or at least he was pretty sure it would’ve. </p><p>He knocked again, the urge to give in to death and kneel over ringing so heavily in his ears it was hard for him to breathe. He wanted to be held and comforted so badly it was <em>hurting him-</em>   He wanted to held and told he wasn’t stupid for thinking about suicide. </p><p>There was a heaviness in his chest, eating away at him and making him wobble. It was biting at his body, biting at his head and clawing his throat with claws that didn’t exist. </p><p>Izuku wanted to fall over, but that’d be such a hassle. </p><p>The panic bubbling in his chest was enough to make him choke a cry, stuffing the sound deep down his throat and praying no one would wake up- That no one would exit their dorm and see him crying and panicking in the hall at Neito Monoma’s bedroom door at One-AM on a fucking <em>Tuesday</em> morning.</p><p>The sun hadn’t even rose yet! </p><p>By some miracle, the door opened. As soon as it did, a tired and disrupted looking Neito was right there in front of the freckled-teenager, with the blonde’s eyes squinted with exhaustion and yet a slow and clearly intentional blink took place. </p><p>His voice was so soft when he spoke next, “Izuku?”</p><p>And that’s all it took for Izuku to scramble forwards and inside, right into the embrace of his friend who had recognized the look of desperation and fear in his gaze. </p><p>Neito let him in, grabbing his shaking shoulders with wide eyes that pleaded concern and sudden attentiveness. Izuku didn’t know what he was doing, he just knew he was shaking horribly and crying into the blonde’s chest, heaving out his breaths as he heard his friend try and mutter reassurances to him.</p><p>The door closed, but he couldn’t begin to process it.</p><p>All he knew was that he was scared he felt <em>so</em> alone. He felt so stupid for thinking that resetting would be enough to soothe turmoil in his head, and that the sense of pain in his body would go away if he added a few cuts to his collection. </p><p>A few cuts to try and take the ironic pain he had haunt him away. That’s all he wanted-  For the aching hunger for death to reside and let him sleep and get a few hours of rest in before classes today after Eight-AM. But he wasn’t lucky enough to be given such mercy.</p><p>So he cried, muttering apologies into his friend’s chest as his tears ran down his cheeks and stuck to his skin. It soaked into Neito’s shirt, and he couldn’t get the tears to stop. He couldn’t get any air into his lungs, and yet he knew he was breathing just fine. </p><p>But at the same time nothing was that simple. </p><p>He could feel warmth, hugging him and keeping him close. He knew his body was shuddering and trembling, and he knew words that would come back to bite him were spilling from his lips; But all he could focus on was the fact that Neito kept his word. </p><p>The One-B student said that Izuku was always welcome in his room, and could appear in the dead of night for <em>anything</em> and he would answer. And here he was; Crying and sobbing because he felt useless and just wanted to die <em>so bad.</em></p><p>Izuku wanted to die so badly, and he was making the fact well known; And yet all his friend did was hold him and mumble small reassurances, quiet and calming. It made Izuku want to scream, because he was running his companion’s sleep and sought out company when he should’ve just reset his body and tried to fix it himself. </p><p>He wanted to scream for always bugging his friend; Always arriving and appearing at what were possibly the worst times to come running to the cocky student that seemed to have beef with every student in One-A to ever exist. </p><p>His friend didn’t stop him, letting him cry. </p><p>The vigilante knew at some point Neito had lowered him to the floor, and he sat down right there with him, gripping him and holding Izuku’s trembling body as if to try and keep him warm from whatever cold hate and misery had attacked him before rushing to try and get into Neito’s dorm room.</p><p>It felt foreign, to be comforted in one of his many mental breakdowns rather than when someone stumbled upon him as he tried to die-   Or right before he even managed to make the first mark that would lead to his half-planned demise.</p><p>He knew he was crying heavily, sputtering nonsense and hyperventilating, but his friend didn’t yell or become freaked out with him. Neito had just been woken up from his rest, to a crying teenager who probably looked like he had just died and came back to life, and the first thing Neito did was offer his dorm room like it was a hidden paradise for Izuku to get lost in. </p><p>Perhaps it was a maze of cold reassurance, perhaps not.</p><p>All Izuku knew was that his friend opened the door to him and let him cry and spill all of the thoughts that were overflowing his mind and on the surface of his stability as a sane person within the universe. </p><p>Was he mentally-stable in any way? <em>Probably not, no.</em></p><p>In truth, that was probably the most honest thing he could ever do. To say he felt like he was constantly walking through mud and unable to get out, as it would drag him back in as if the sludge became quicksand. It would drown him and make it hard to focus, but he’d still pull through each hour of the day.</p><p>He always managed to do so, even when it was the most excruciatingly annoying and exhausting process to ever try and complete in under twenty-four hours. Nothing that he wanted really mattered, because the things he wanted were things that were violent and far too morbid to ask for. </p><p>So no, he couldn’t just get up and ask someone to kill him.</p><p>Couldn’t get up and ask someone to end his existence, just for a few minutes.</p><p>Izuku wished he could, though. Wished he could ask someone else to take the burden off his hands, to let what little stability he had slip away so someone else could deal with the aftermath of his blood on their hands.</p><p>But that would be cruel and unfair; That would pin the blame on someone who’d remember and then realize Izuku has a quirk. Because if he asked a person to kill him, he’d become loopy and dazed and would then ask for them to <em>stay with him as he died.</em> They’d remember if they watched him reset, and he couldn’t ask anyone to do that. </p><p><em>Maybe Neito.</em> His mind said, distantly.</p><p>Izuku brushed it aside, trying to stop his shoulders from shaking. He couldn’t keep crying about something such as what he was already doing, couldn’t keep sobbing like a kid who lost their entire world in under two minutes of staring and watching hell break loose.</p><p>He felt a hand rub circles into his back, and despite his will to not cry anymore, he couldn’t help but let the drawn-out exhale from slipping past his lips, hands digging into his friend's shirt fabric. </p><p> <em>Probably Neito.</em> His mind concluded, more softly. </p><p>Deep down, Izuku knew that if he asked and let his desperation seep through, his friend would agree and kill him;  Hell, Neito would copy his quirk and reset with him just so the greenette wouldn’t feel alone. But he didn’t want that, not really. He didn’t want his friend to have to die with him. </p><p>So he let the tears fall from his eyes, trying to focus on the soft words and reassurances of his friend. Something along the lines of, ‘You’re okay’ and ‘It’s alright’, but Izuku couldn’t really tell in his loopy and sleep-deprived state. It wasn’t a good feeling, but there wasn’t much else he could do.</p><p>He didn’t cry heavily, didn’t cry like this often. </p><p>He didn’t allow himself to, even if it’d be useful in the long-shot to get all the pain off his chest and give him a break. <em>I make my life extra difficult because crying alone doesn’t help in the way I need it to.</em></p><p>It was true; Really. The way that crying in silence didn’t help him all that much, not when he was alone to listen to the thoughts that caused his tears to spill. If he had someone else to tell him it was okay, and that he wasn’t stupid for needing a bit of comfort, it made him try and explain himself rather than drown in his self-hate.</p><p>Sometimes crying wasn’t helpful at all, and it was more like a chore that piled up overtime because he lacked the proper attention span to stay on course long enough when all he heard was the subconscious voice in his head telling him he needed to die to soothe the pain.</p><p>But by dying he upset other people, he made the few who knew of his quirk get worried. That was merely Neito, and indirectly Aizawa through his status as Ace.  But Ace was confident; Confident and unwilling to bow to anyone else, refusing to take the easy way out and continuing ignoring suggestions from the Erasure Hero.</p><p>That was just because he knew he could fix and do more by using his quirk. He was just yet to tell his teacher what his quirk actually was-   And what it actually did, what it required him to do to even access it.</p><p><em>I die.</em> He heard his mind mumble, felt the rush of air around his face despite not falling anywhere. He wasn’t in any danger, wasn’t in any pain that would get him killed or caught by a teacher. <em>I already die so much, and yet I still want to die again and again.</em></p><p>The vigilante was just crying, deeply stuck in muddled hatred and doubt. That’s all he was suffering from, clouds of sadness and fears that were illogical and had no reason to affect him as much as they did. It wasn’t important, and it made no sense for the pain to strike him as hard as it did.</p><p><em>I want to fucking die.</em> He thought, voice harsh inside of his skull. He did, and he wanted to so badly. If he asked right now, he was sure Neito would allow him to- Or at least Neito would convince him to wait a few minutes or not do it at all.</p><p>If not, he’d join. </p><p>He’d copy Izuku’s quirk and reset with him. </p><p>“I’m sorry,” He choked out, the apology rolling off his tongue by instinct. Izuku didn’t know how else to react, didn’t know what else he could do to try and show he was sorry for ever bugging the blonde with his indescribable issues and urges to kill himself for <em>no apparent reason at all.</em></p><p>“I keep- I keep bugging and bugging y-you,” The teenager sucked in another breath, eyes spilling tears that didn’t cease to exist when they hit the flooring beneath the two of them. </p><p>Neito said something in response, but Izuku couldn’t hear a damn thing. </p><p><em>I keep coming to you, keep getting hurt and dying in front of you-</em> His breathing turned back into sobs, and he couldn’t get them to go away for a few minutes. <em>I keep getting myself hurt because I’m that stupid, and you keep letting me come back to you. You’re probably so mad.</em></p><p>He hadn’t realized he said the last few things out loud. </p><p>“I’m not mad, and you’re not stupid.” He said, and Izuku felt he would’ve laughed dryly if the situation had been any different. Perhaps a laugh wouldn’t be so bad right now, in all honesty. Perhaps it’d make the vigilante snap back to reality and stop getting lost in the idea that this comfort would always be available to him. </p><p><em>It wouldn’t.</em> </p><p>“But-” The One-A student couldn’t get his breaths to even out. </p><p>The blonde repeated, enforcing his opinion onto the freckled teen again. His words were kind, soft and they made Izuku want to fall apart because no one ever spoke to him so nicely after having a mental breakdown.  “I would never be mad at you for something like <em>this.</em>”</p><p>Then again, no one ever knew he had any meltdowns.</p><p>No one ever knew he suffered as much as he did, because he kept it all hidden. </p><p>No one knew besides Neito fucking Monoma. </p><p>Izuku swallowed, trying so hard to take a breath in and listen to the words his friend was trying to shower him in. The gesture is appreciated, but he was too fucked up to fully <em>notice it.</em> “I- You’re n-not?”</p><p>“No,” Neito shook his head again, still holding him as if to try and provide what little comfort he knew might help. The blonde swallowed, tone quiet, “I’m sorry you were suffering while I slept. You’re not stupid for needing support.”</p><p>
  <em>I feel stupid though.</em>
</p><p>“I-I, I’m sorry,” Izuku shook his head, voice harsh and body rigid. His mind was scattered and he felt so stupid, so weak and <em>troublesome.</em> He was a burden to Neito-   Always dying and then slipping right besides the blonde to check and see if he still cared.</p><p>He always would smile, arching a brow as if to ask what Izuku needed. And the green haired kid would shake his head with a stutter, slinking back into an abyss he knew Neito would follow him into within two or three hours.</p><p>That's just what he did. </p><p>“Don’t be,” The male said, lightly. “It’s okay.” </p><p>The words made Izuku start to cry harder. Because in fact, it wasn’t okay.   <em>None</em> of this was okay, absolutely none of it was okay and here he was- Here he was full on bawling into who is probably his best friend's shoulder.</p><p>Again, he shook his head, feeling as if the world was against him. It was the black and white lines of society’s acceptance; Except Izuku had never been in a category. He was a muted charcoal grey, that’s all he was in the eyes of other people. He wasn’t a valued source of life.</p><p>So he swallowed thickly,  “It’s n-not okay,”</p><p>“It’s okay if I say it’s okay.” Neito said, one hand gently rubbing circles into his back. It was soothing, in all honesty. It was soothing and it was so nice and it made the green haired male want to cry more because he didn’t get this treatment often. He probably was treated like this every few months. </p><p>It was really nice.</p><p>“I said you could come over whenever,” He said again, although Izuku hadn’t said anything in the time gap of him gathering what reassuring words he possessed.  “And that I’d always answer the door.” </p><p><em>You did say that. You did say that you’d be here for me whenever I needed you.</em> His mind was an unfair place, but at least he could hear his truest and most complicated opinions. His blankets and most ambitious desires, the things he hoped no one else ended up hearing or seeing in his head. </p><p>He tried to speak, but he couldn’t get the words out. “I should’ve..” </p><p>The blonde sighed lightly, seeming to know the words the One-A student wanted to say. He was really good in that sense, breaking habits and breaking records for things that probably meant nothing to the rest of the universe. “It’s fine, Izuku. You’re fine, and I’m not mad.” </p><p>Nothing is fine, not in the long shot.   Nothing is fine because Izuku still wants to be dead, and yet wants to live a fulfilling life and be a hero for many, <em>many</em> years. He doesn’t want to risk disappointing others anymore than he already had, anymore than he already could’ve. </p><p>It wasn’t a horrible idea to want to die or figure out if he could truly reset a sixth time and come back, or if his limit would actually get him killed.   Then again, he also didn’t want to risk being permanently dead. </p><p>To be permanently dead.. </p><p>If he was actually dead and he couldn’t just reset to come back to life like nothing had ever happened, that would cause a full-on riot within UA. If he dies and can’t come back, his classmates would actually notice and would become tripped-up with guilt and misery. </p><p>Then the emotions would be bestowed upon Neito and his mother-  And then his teachers and close-friends.  The idea that he wouldn’t be there to convince his comrades he was okay. </p><p>If he died, Ace would die too. </p><p>His identity would be relabeled after his death, and he wouldn’t even get to justify himself. The media would eat his story up, and distribute it in every form and informational platform it could. He knew this, and knew how it worked. Izuku didn’t need Ace’s cover-up quirk to know. </p><p>The male inhaled sharply, feeling tears streak down his skin. He gripped the fabric in his hands as tight as he could, trying not to choke on the words bubbling out of his throat.  “Neito I don’t w-want to be <em>here.</em>”</p><p>Again, his companion didn’t get angry. He didn’t get upset and yell that Izuku was ungrateful for not wanting to stay in the darkness of his dorm, rather, he blinked slowly and hummed thoughtfully; As if he’d actually listen. “Where do you want to go, then? Back to your dorms, would that help?”</p><p>
  <em>And get caught? And get caught by my classmates and maybe even my teacher? No, I don’t want to. I don’t want to get caught right now, or have to explain myself to people who don’t know what it’s like.</em>
</p><p><em>What is it like for them?</em> He pushed the ideas away.</p><p>“Not here,” Izuku said, again. He really wished the clouds of hate and self-doubt would go away and leave him to wallow in his misery ‘alone’. And by alone,he meant by staying right where he was, letting Neito rub circles into his back comfortingly.  “I don’t want.. I don’t wan’ to be alive.”</p><p>His friend tensed briefly, the movement of reassurance against Izuku’s back freezing slightly yet again. Then it returned, and Neito exhaled airily, as if he was catching his breath again. Maybe Izuku should be less blunt with his tendencies.  “Oh- I thought you meant-.. Oh.” </p><p><em>But who else is willing to listen?</em>. </p><p>The One-A student frowned again, brows creasing on his forehead. There was no one eske for him to go to, even if he wanted to think that there was. So instead, he screwed his eyes shut and spoke nearly inaudibly,  “It hurts.”</p><p>Neito spoke again as soon as the wto words left the greenette’s mouth.</p><p>“I know. I’m sorry,” He replied, voice quiet. The shorter one didn’t know why his companion could be so quiet, so mellow and patient. It was a contrast to how he acted daily, to how he acted towards other people on campus. “I’ll listen to you if you need me to.”</p><p>Izuku shook his head, breathing in shakily.  </p><p>His friend frowned, but didn’t press him on it just yet. Instead, he suggested another thing, as if to fill the gap and try and make things better.  “Do you want some snacks, then? I might have some.” </p><p>The thought of trying to eat and chew anything made him want to gag.  He normally was fine with food, eating when he got hungry if he wasn’t curled up trying to keep his thoughts at bay, and making an effort to appear at dinner during the weekends-   Same with every other meal he shared with his classmates when they weren’t in the cafeteria during a school-day. </p><p>But he wasn’t in the right mindset, and felt too sick to actually want to eat anything to soothe the hunger in his stomach. It'd be a waste if he tried to, anyways. The taste of imaginary blood that flickered into his mouth was enough to make him want to not eat for the next two days. </p><p>“I don’t think I can eat.” He shook his head, slowly. The idea of playing cards with the One-B student filled his head, but it made him want to curl up and avoid staying in his friend’s dorm. He wouldn’t be able to focus on any games, either. “Or play a-anything..”</p><p>“Do you want me to text Aizawa-Sensei?” His friend suggested, again. The green eyed male’s shoulders slumped, and he resigned the urge to scowl in sudden anxiety- Always in sudden fear of what could happen. </p><p><em>No- No. He’ll be upset, too.</em> </p><p>Neito treaded lightly, carefully as if Izuku might get spooked and tried to leave if he said the wrong words, or pushed him too hard into reaching out for a teacher’s guidance.  “Maybe he can get you to Recovery-Girl’s office.”</p><p><em>They'll ask what is wrong.</em> His mind said, blandly. Against most odds, he would have been able to tell if they were being logical or not; But currently such a feat wasn’t easy to do. <em>They’ll ask why you were crying, and why you were causing such a mess.</em></p><p>“No.” He shook his head, exhaling and following Neito’s quiet breathing. Air was in his lungs, and he wasn’t suffocating. He wasn’t giving in to his urges, wasn’t resetting right now and wasn’t in any danger. </p><p>So, reluctantly, Izuku slowly pulled away, shuffling backwards a bit until his back hit the foot of his companion’s bed, feeling the twinge go up his spine at the contact of a solid object. He blinked, getting the spare tears out of his eyes and exhaling shakily; Looking around for a single moment to see a dull yellow glow from Neito’s bedside lamp.</p><p>He looked back to his friend, finding it hard to say anything.  Crying so much wasn’t the most useful thing, but he knew it helped most times. And yet, he wasn’t the best with the aftermath of sobs wracking his body.  If anything, he’d cut his arms to try and mute the emotional pain.</p><p>It <em>never</em> seemed to work.</p><p>Neito paused, sitting down on the carpet cross-legged with a tired blink. He wasn’t hostile, sure he looked slightly confused as to why Izuku had scuffled away; But that was it, as it wasn’t anger. “Are you sure?”</p><p><em>I don’t want the faculty's help. They wouldn’t help- They’d prevent me from using my quirk. Mouse would..</em> Izuku sucked in a sharp breath, shaking his head again. There was a tightness in his chest, similar to how he felt in his own room before scrambling to get to Neito’s. </p><p>
  <em>Mouse would get killed.</em>
</p><p>“Okay, okay, I won’t say anything.” He said finally, with what sounded like a small sigh. Izuku felt his heart drop, the feeling of self-doubt coursing through him again. Maybe he should’ve let Neito convince him to go to a teacher- It'd be better than having the blonde be disappointed in him.  “Is there something you’d like to do, or want me to do? I’m not sure what got you so upset.”</p><p>Instead, he swallowed and shook his head for what felt like the hundredth time that hour; Offering a very weak apology and shrug of his shoulders. What else could he say?  What was there to talk about, and what could he even try to do to show he wasn’t unstable enough to need a teacher’s help so soon?</p><p>“I.. Panicked.” The One-A student mumbled, wringing his hands out into his shirt, before rubbing his temples lightly and squinting at the flooring of the dorm room. It was the exact same as Izuku’s own bedroom, except Neito’s had never experienced the puddles of blood that the greenette’s had.</p><p>“Ah.” The blonde said, after a minute or two.</p><p>Again, disappointment burned through Izuku’s veins. It was his own fault, though. He knew Neito wouldn’t yell at him for something like this, but paranoia and doubt plagued his judgment far too often in the late nights he spent trying to resist the urge of death. “Yeah.”</p><p>“What happened?” A look of confusion passed over the blonde’s face, but it was quickly overshadowed by a look of concern and worry. Neito had stopped trying to play his concern off, and now just let it drip into his expression whenever Izuku reached out to him, looking sad or downright depressed. </p><p>Images of blood pooling under his body filled his head, the teetering blackness that came to the edges of his vision flashing in his mind like some fun childhood memory. <em>It’s not fun. It’s just a relief.</em></p><p>The vigilante paused, opening his mouth and speaking quietly, “I wanted to reset.”</p><p>“Oh.” The blonde paused, freezing slightly. His blue eyes flashed questions, and he exhaled slightly; Reaching up to run a hand through his messy golden hair. He cleared his throat, eyes darting to look at his nightstand, and then back to Izuku. “Did you do it..?”</p><p>The greenette inhaled, hoping to keep his mentality as stable as he could. He shook his head firmly,reaching up to smother the tears his eyes produced with the sleeves of his shirt. “No.”</p><p>
  <em>I wanted to. I really, really wanted to, though.</em>
</p><p>Neito gave him a look, one of mild surprise. He then the emotions in the depths of the crystal hue his irises were made up of flickered into a warm relief, something that made Izuku want to curl in on himself. People didn’t look at him with such an expression, and even when they did, he didn’t understand why. </p><p>“I’m glad.” He said, faintly after a minute. There was something else in his voice, something achingly familiar, but too distant for the vigilante to recognize in his current predicament.  “It’s not good for you to keep doing that.”</p><p><em>But it is soothing.</em> His mind whispered, hissing it in his eardrums like a mantra meant to be cursed to all of those who could refuse death and stay alive and awake. <em>It’s soothing and helps.</em></p><p>Does it really?</p><p>“I- I know. I tried-  <em>Not</em> to, I mean.” The One-A student quickly corrected himself, waving one hand shakily and grimacing slightly. There wasn’t much else he could really say, besides repeat what he’d already stated.  “I tried not to.”</p><p>His friend shook his head, blue eyes shadowed with another emotion. It felt warm, or looked to be friendly in the sense of concern and ambiguity, but it wasn’t the same as the other worried and relieved expressions his friends had given him before. In fact.. It was almost like it was prideful.  “You didn’t, ‘try’, you succeeded. You didn’t reset. I’m glad.”</p><p>“No-.. I didn’t <em>reset.</em>” He struggled to say it out loud, frowning and then shaking his head to try and clear away the cold dizziness that bubbled in his head different from the blurriness the tears in his eyes caused. “But I just.. I don’t know. I was scared.” </p><p><em>I tried to take my pain and numb it with cuts that do nothing when I’m like this.</em> His mind said, from a far away place. It felt like he was floating on a boat of sorts in the middle of the sea, storms all around him as waves crashed and flooded the tiny raft he relied on to stay away from the threat of drowning miserably.</p><p>Neito looked up, narrowing his eyes on the other. “I’m listening.”</p><p>Izuku winced, a nervous and still half out of it smile appearing on his face. He didn’t want Neito to listen- <em>He did.</em>  “That makes me <em>want</em> to stop talking.”</p><p>“My lips are sealed,”  The other student shrugged, instead, trying to play everything off casually. But Izuku recognized the look in his eyes, the glow of concern and curiosity- That piqued interest that wanted to know how and why and what to do if sorting like this happened <em>again.</em> “Anything you say won’t leave this room.”</p><p>“I thought you wanted to-..” He choked up, and frowned inwardly at his lack of words. Perhaps crying and sobbing his worries hysterically wasn’t the brightest idea, but he trusted Neito enough to know he’d keep his word.</p><p>If he didn’t, Izuku would reset, and things would go back to normal.</p><p>Or he’d never forgive the male, and make a bolt for full-time vigilantism. </p><p>
  <em>One or the other.</em>
</p><p>“To make you tell a teacher? Absolutely.” The One-B agreed, filling in the gaps that Izuku couldn’t seem to say. “But you’d end up freaking out over it, and I don’t want you to be in pain or scared of things. <em>So,</em> I’m the next best thing!”</p><p>The greenette gave him a doubtful look, to which Neito grinned.</p><p>“I’m the only one who knows, right? That counts for something.” He said, pointing one hand vaguely to himself and then jabbing a thumb to the ‘quirkless’ kid in question. “Plus, I’ve died with you before. I know what your quirk is like, first-hand experience. And I care about you more than just trying to make you normal.”</p><p>He frowned for a minute, squinting at the other, “Am I not normal already..?”</p><p>“Izuku, come on,” He gave the green eyed male a deadpan expression, nose scrunching up in something akin to slight distaste. Again, the vigilante looked away from his friend, and the blonde continued harmlessly.  “What normal person can come back to life after they die?”</p><p>Thoughts came rushing back, unintentionally. Neito would have no idea that Izuku’s mind was plagued with things like this, and the green eyed teenager hoped he never would. </p><p>The taste of blood filled his mouth, the feeling of his teeth gritting, a blade being driven deep into his throat-  Air getting cut off before he could even finish inhaling a single breath. The roaring in his ears as pain spread through his body, the familiar crushing pressure filling his head as his skull was smashed onto the concrete.</p><p>He swallowed, staring at an empty space besides his friend instead of meeting the blonde’s gaze. He didn’t want to meet the calm and reliving expression of Neito, he didn’t want to frown again and start crying all over. “Fair enough.”</p><p>“Exactly,” The male said, digilantly. “Therefore, I’m probably the only one you have to talk to, right? I won't say anything to the teachers about it, not directly at least. I’ll just listen and hug you if you want me to.”</p><p>Izuku sent  him a sharp look, remembering the time Neito had asked Vlad-King about how to help a friend that was possibly a danger to one’s self. That conversation had been slightly tense, but mainly because the vigilante of the pair would like to refrain from getting caught. </p><p>He paused, trying to form words. </p><p>After a few seconds of failure, he sighed, fiddling with a lock of his hair to try and soothe the anxiety in his heart. It was a pain, having to try and cater to his emotions of agony and doubt without just resetting himself to escape the truth's of the harsh reality he lived in alongside every other person. </p><p>“Do you just want to sit here, then?” His friend asked, blinking slightly. There was exhaustion and reaming curiosity in his gaze, wondering what Izuku had gone through to make him so scared and hysterical, but he never asked about it for the remainder of the time. </p><p>He was letting Izuku come to him about it, instead. </p><p>
  <em>Fuck.</em>
</p><p>The freckled teenager swallowed, frowning again and giving a nervous and somewhat shaky expression to the blonde who lived in the dormitory. “I can stay then, t-too..?”</p><p>“Yeah, you can stay.” Neito arched a brow, pointing to his unmade and messy bed, huffing at the One-A student as if he had just asked why quirks existed in the first place. “I wouldn’t kick you out, and wasn’t planning on it, either.  You can go to sleep if you want; I’ll stay here and browse the internet or read something.”</p><p>‘You don’t have to.’ Was what he wanted to say, but instead it only sounded out in his head, rippling around against his other thoughts and ideas. He wished he had the strength and overall capacity to speak without hesitating, without having g to put a sentence together, but everything was so tiring.</p><p><em>He</em> was tired, for fuck’s sake. </p><p>So he swallowed thickly, standing up shakily and offering a trembling hand to Neito, eyes flickering with different emotions that he tried hard not to think about. They weren’t important for as long as he ignored them. </p><p>His friend took his hand and got up, brushing off his shorts and giving the greenette a hum; Casual and curious. Izuku let go of the other’s hand, mumbling a small apology. His brain wasn’t connecting to any social cues, and nothing was making much sense in comparison to the loud and clear thought that was asking him to die.</p><p>“You okay?” He asked, noticing that the One-A student hadn’t moved from his spot, frozen in place as if he was stuck rewatching a loop of unforgiving bloodshed; Although Neito probably didn’t realize that’s what Izuku would be seeing if he had truly drifted off.</p><p>Lucky him, he hadn’t drifted off; He was just struggling to put any words together. He felt as if his tongue had been ripped out, and then lazily sewn back into his mouth backwards. Izuku gave a weak shrug again, “Uh, about my classes tomorrow.. I don’t have my phon’..”</p><p>“Oh- Oh I’ll take care of it, don’t worry about it!” His friend's mind clicked into place, and he smiled an average and reassuring smile to the other party in the room.  “You just, uh, go to sleep. You need it, Izuku. I can get you some bandages and antiseptic, if you need it.”</p><p>Hesitantly, he opened his mouth to deny it; But then he closed it and gave a firm nod.</p><p>Neito didn’t lash out, only giving him a thumbs up and turning to walk towards the bathroom. The blonde paused at the doorway of his private bath, flicking on the room’s light and looking over his shoulder to meet Izuku’s gaze again. “You promise you’ll tell me if something like this happens again?”</p><p>Izuku stared back, allowing a smile to slip onto his face and he nodded lightly, sitting down on the edge of his friend’s messy and clearly used bed. He managed to mumble a small, ‘Thank you’, before his mind collapsed, and his expression turned contradictive. </p><p><em>How</em> was he supposed to explain him not waking up in his dorm room, and having stayed the night at Neito’s <em>without</em> calling himself out on his horrible mental health habits?</p><p>Faintly, he heard Neito rummage in the cabinets of his bathroom. </p><p>He sighed again, letting his mind grow hazy and the tears to start to spill again. He’d let the blonde figure out how to cover for them; As the One-B student often had to do when Izuku came stumbling over in the dead of night. Or when Neito came through Izuku’s balcony after receiving a text from the freckled teenager that he wanted company. </p><p>Whatever happened; Izuku was too tired to stay awake and treat the tiny cuts on his biceps. He wanted to stay asleep in a fuzzy dream, even if that involved risking what little awareness he had to offer.</p><p>Neito wouldn’t hurt him, not in accident and not on purpose. </p><p>That was good enough.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you for reading! I’m over here writing this instead of Chapter One of, “The Bat And The Robin” jahajhajanajan- probably going to work on another blnt spin-off fic beacsue they’re so fun.</p><p>The discord has so many prompts, it’s absurd. So here I am. <em>trying to write them all.</em>     Thank you for reading, again!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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